Make fear work for you
When finding your way, make fear work for you.
And yes, fear can work for you. You do not have to work for it. Although it will try and make you feel like you do. Fear puffs itself up and shouts loud and full and convincingly. Fear shows up in your body, in your dreams, and in your thoughts. Fear believes not only that its role in your life is essential and critical but that it also has the most important and urgent information to give over and above everything else.
Fear is a narcissist.
Fear does play an important role in your life. It's a survival mechanism and has kept humanity alive since the very beginning. Fear has a place. Don't be fooled into thinking that you need to be fearless or that you can arrive at a place in your life where you will have no fear. The absence of fear is recklessness, and it wreaks havoc on one and all.
The thing you need to be aware of with fear is how you respond to it, and how much space you give it. Do you let it make all the decisions? Take the helm? Lead the way? Do you bow down to it? It's easy in the middle of a fear storm to mistake its voice for your own. We become afraid of fear because we believe it has the power to name who we are, claim us as our own; it fills us with shame and keeps us small.
When the writer of 1 John wrote:
"There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love,"*
They weren't talking about living a life free of fear.
Imagine if, when fear showed up on your doorstep tantrum-ing like five-year-old, writhing and gritty and strong and a little bit smelly, you loved it? As in, you treated it like a tantrum-ing five-year-old... imagine what would happen if you opened your arms to fear and held it close to your chest like you would when a child or a loved one is afraid? Imagine having the courage to face your fear, to look at it in the eyes, not with judgement or condemnation, but with grace and affection.
What would happen to fear then?
Maybe it would calm down a little… maybe it would de-escalate, maybe its story would be less dramatic and more factual… Maybe it would become clearer and calmer. Maybe its warning would be easier to understand.
Maybe then, fear would work in your favour, giving you information to consider, reminding you of your values, showing you your courage. And the irony is when you choose to love it instead of fighting it, fear ends up helping you find your way.
Remind yourself: "Scared is what I'm feeling, brave is what I'm doing." (Emma Donaghue). As you say the words, let love draw fear and its message in close, holding it, calming it down like a worked up child, giving it a glass of water, and wiping its tears. Love takes fear by the hand and turns it into courage.
From my upcoming New Year’s series, "Find What Feels Good" this week with a subscription in the App.
Written by Liz Milani
Instagram: @thepracticeco
