Your sexuality is not a sin
Why does sexuality scare the living hell out of us? Why can't we seem to talk about it, to have conversations about our bodies and what they are designed to do and enjoy? What are we afraid of? Our ancient Jewish mothers and fathers weren't so afraid to speak about it; Song of Solomon is a book dedicated to sexual desire and fulfilment. And as much as the purity culture gatekeepers don't want to admit it, the explicit details of the sexual encounters written within it were not between husband and wife.
I am in no position to tell you what to do with your body and your longing. I am in no position to interpret scripture as a means to censor you and your body and your sexuality. No one is. I can only help create places and language and pathways for you to have the courage to speak about these unspeakable things in such a way that they aren't so unspeakable anymore.
There are too many people and institutions that are doing an excellent job at keeping us silent about these things that we just can't speak about but absolutely must, because our health and freedom depend on it. It's as if they fear that somewhere beyond the door marked 'sexuality', is a darkness that if let out of the room will corrupt everyone and everything irreconcilably.
This is not true.
The way that religious communities, in particular, have 'handled' any conversations and culture around sexuality is to apply a short list of rules and a code of silence.
Growing up in a pentecostal, evangelical environment, these were the topics covered in my Sex Ed:
No sex until you’re married.
And then have sex.
It will be great.
And then there were all kinds of anecdotes and object lessons explaining what happens to you and your soul if you dare "awaken love before it is ready," usually involving talks about unbridled promiscuity, perversion, depravity, and bits of paper being stuck together and ruined when you try to tear them apart.
*sigh*
But what happens if your experience doesn't line up with what you've been taught?
My friend, your sexuality, which has so much more to it than any sex act, is not a sin or a burden or a trap or a dangerous thing that will ruin you. Your body and the way it responds and fires and feels and experiences longing and desire, is holy. HOLY.
And we need to talk about it.
Partners need to talk about it with each other.
Parents need to talk about it with their children.
Friends need to talk about it with one another.
We all need to talk about it.
And then we need to do something else.
We need to listen.
We need to listen to our children, to our partners, to our friends, to our neighbours, to each other.
So many of us have been talked at about our sexuality. Lines drawn, assumptions made, rules spelled out... no discussion, no openness, no sense of generosity or learning or making space. There is so much judgement and condemnation and accusation, and blame and ridiculous standards of purity and ideas about what's wrong and what's right and who's wrong and who's right and at the centre of it all is a whole lot of…
fear.
Perhaps, because our sexuality is an intimate, vulnerable part of us; perhaps because we've been told how much of a big deal it all is and that we'd better get it right; perhaps because we don't want to be hurt or broken or humiliated or abused; perhaps because we are ashamed...
We have been taught to be ashamed of our bodies and our desires because, for some reason, people have been afraid of where their bodies and their desires will take them.
Let's start here:
Anything done in love is something you don't have to be afraid of.
That's essentially what the writer of 1st John meant when they said:
"Perfect love casts out all fear."*
Now let me say that again. Anything done in love is something you don't have to be afraid of. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Not your body. Not the way it feels. Not who you love. Not your sexuality or your experience of it. Let's open the conversation up and keep it going.
Mindful Prompt: When love rules the way you move, you can't lose, even if you do.
More in the latest series called "Some Things You Just Can’t (Must) Speak About", this week with a subscription in the App.
Written by Liz Milani.
Instagram: @thepracticeco
