You don’t have to repent…
Hey friend,
I hope you’re well. It’s been a beautiful winters weekend here In Australia. The whales are putting on a show for us nearly every day on the coast!
But I’m not here to talk about whales…
It took me a little while to understand what Mary Oliver meant when she wrote:
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
I grew up repenting at every opportunity I got. At home in my room at night, on Sundays down the front after a church service, at youth events, concerts, camps, and conferences…
"Repent and ask God for forgiveness!"
The call rang out again and again and again.
And again and again and again, I answered it:
No, I'm not sure that I'm saved. Yes, I am a sinner. Please forgive me.
I think I got 'saved' about thirty-five times between the ages of 5 and 15. I just wanted to make sure God knew that I was all in, committed, repentant.
I kept a book under my bed (God help my mother if she found it), full of lists of 'sins' I felt I had committed, from arguing with my brothers to stealing scissors from school to fantasising about the popular kid at church (and eventually Kevin Costner back in Prince of thieves day, long before Yellow Stone). I wanted God to know that I knew that I was fallen, that I knew I needed forgiveness, and that I credited God completely as saviour and Lord. I gave God my life every chance I got, except for when I didn't, and for those times, I felt guilty and ashamed and repented.
I grew up in a time where the phrase: 'Turn from your evil ways,' was code for, turn away from yourself. "Rid me of myself" was a common liturgy at my place of worship. "More of you, Less of me," type stuff. I was well versed in the art of spiritualised self-abandonment from a young age, and now? Much of my writing is about how to reconnect and restore faith with yourself.
I understand now that I repented so many times because I was wrestling with the needs of my body, mind, and heart against what I thought was required from me for my faith to be strong.
But the body knows. The body remembers. She/he/they hold us and our stories so well and honestly.
You do not have to be good. You were not created to be pleasing. You were not, you were not, you were not. You do not have to be good because goodness is who you already are. And it doesn't mean rightness or perfection, or getting it perfect all the time. It's fundamental to your make-up, just like your teeth and skin and bones are. You can't be human and not have goodness woven through your being.
It's one thing to learn that "you do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting." And it's another thing to allow yourself to believe that "You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves."
If you believe you are not good, then the idea of letting 'the soft animal of your body loves what it loves' is terrifying. If you believe that you are fallen, unworthy, and incapable of saving yourself, then you will believe that the soft animal of your body desires evil and depraved things, and you will be too ashamed and too afraid to let yourself love what you love. You'll spend your day repenting, asking God into your heart, more of you, less of me, rid me of myself, and you'll find yourself filling books with endless lits of your transgressions.
But I think you could probably spend your time in more fulfilling and life-affirming ways, yeah?
This is not to say that repentance is not worthwhile or called for. In fact, it keeps repentance sacred and meaningful.
This week in the App, we're going to dig into specific things that you once might have repented for but now need to repent for being repentant of. haha. We're going to learn how to get up off our knees, stop crawling for a hundred miles through the desert, and start allowing the soft animal of our bodies to love what they love without being afraid that we're totally depraved and headed straight for hell.
Because we're not.
When you believe that you and your body are one and that together you are good, letting your softness - your vulnerable authenticness - love life in all its wildness, it's a salvation experience.
You do not have to repent for being human. You do not have to repent for being flawed. You're not flawed as much as you are in flow, never static, always changing, shapes and hues, blooming and shedding. It's time to stop punishing yourself for not being something you were never designed to be.
JOURNAL PROMPT: Over-apologising can be a symptom of chronic people-pleasing, low self-esteem, and taking on the responsibility for other people's feelings and behaviours. Do you find yourself saying sorry all the time? Imagine the last time you did, and spend a few minutes trying to figure out why, and consider if there are other ways your needs can be met than by apologising for something you don't need to.
Written by Liz Milani
Instagram: @thepracticeco
From this week’s series titled "Things You Don’t Have To Repent For", with a subscription, in the App. Hope to see you there.
