What being the bigger person really means…
The concept of 'be the bigger person'... the intent is good, I know that.
At the heart, these words are trying to get us to live outside of a quid pro quo system where we don't repay violence with aggression, betrayal with dishonesty, or pain with suffering. At their core, these words are trying to get us to take our hearts seriously and not fall victim to the malintent that comes our way, whether targeted or unintentional.
Also, I think the idea is sometimes used out of context as a mechanism of avoidance and passivity. The idea wants to take us to the heart of the matter, but it's sometimes used to get us as far away from the issue as possible. We're told to "be the bigger person" when it comes to abuses of all kinds; we're told to "rise above" when it comes to suffering and injustice; to "take the high road" when we're being manipulated and used; to "go through the narrow gate" when we're outraged and passionate about policies and discrimination and racism and sexism; as in, just get over it.
And dare I mention that when Jesus told his friends to "turn the other cheek," he was not encouraging them into a doormat-like-style-of-victimhood, perpetuating abuse and letting the offender off the hook.
Not even close.
So much of what happens to us in life can make us small, shrink us down to size, until we become hunched over, stiff, cowering, spineless, timid, and ashamed. The little day-to-day failures and hardships are enough to whittle us down before anything particularly tragic even happens.
If you grew up in a faith tradition like I did, you might have been taught a conflicting set of values: that you have no agency except that you must be good and do good; that God loves you, but you are unworthy and inherently sinful; that God has a plan for your life, but you better not take any credit for the things you achieve, and you absolutely need to achieve them because someone might not know about Jesus if you don't (100% manipulation); that you were born for such a time as this, but you also can't be trusted - not your body or heart or mind. And I could go on...
How do you stand tall in a world that wants to tear you down? In a faith tradition or community that wants to keep you small and controllable?
Here's what I know for sure:
You are magnanimous. Spacious. Gracious. Vast. Immense. Expansive. Powerful.
Yes, you are.
Just because you feel small doesn't mean that you're not tremendous.
You are strong enough already to face your day-to-day challenges and failures and mediocrity and the humdrum of everyday life marching along at the pace set by the moon and sun. You are courageous enough already to say no,to seek justice, to raise your voice and your actions and your response. You are gracious enough already to forgive and to trust and to be trusted (caveat: forgiveness does not let evil off the hook. Forgiveness is the first step in your own justice and healing from the inside (of yourself) out). You are capable enough already to call things into question, questionable policies and practices. But most of all:
You have what it takes to face your own life, no matter what comes your way.
Because being the bigger person does not mean that you stay silent, that you push on, and that you ignore or pacify or avoid.
In this series, we'll flip the idea of what it means to "be the bigger person," and what it is to Rise to your Fullness, to lean into the expansive largeness that you are.
Be the bigger person, rise to your fullness, stand in your power, and be present to your own life.
LET ME TELL YOU: You have everything you need to begin. I know it's tempting to think that if you only we had this and were like that and if that happened and this didn't happen, you'd be better equipped to handle everything. All you need are the raw materials of your own life and your beating heart, and you can make that step.
From this week’s guest series titled "Rise To Your Fullness", with a subscription, in the App.
Written by Liz Milani
Instagram: @thepracticeco
