You’re not alone in your shame
Isn't it ironic that the things we're ashamed of are the things we're all ashamed of, and still, we can't seem to name them freely and vulnerably? We hold onto them. We hide them. We try and make them something that they're not. As if we are the only ones struggling. We play games of language and judgement, saying things like:
It's OK for them; they have this, that don't have that.
Nobody knows what it's like to be me, to be here, to be in this.
Thank God I'm not him, or her, or them.
We play games of pretend, editing and folding and stretching, trying to hold ourselves in a shape that won't reveal what we're afraid for others to see, even though all the others are doing the same thing.
Frederick Buechner said:
"I have come to believe that by and large, the human family all has the same secrets, which are both very telling and very important to tell. They are telling in the sense that they tell what is perhaps the central paradox of our condition—that what we hunger for perhaps more than anything else is to be known in our full humanness, and yet that is often just what we also fear more than anything else."
It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are—even if we tell it only to ourselves—because otherwise, we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing.
It is important to tell our secrets too because it makes it easier that way to see where we have been in our lives and where we are going. It also makes it easier for other people to tell us a secret or two of their own, and exchanges like that have a lot to do with what being a family is all about and what being human is all about.
Finally, I suspect that it is by entering that deep place inside us where our secrets are kept that we come perhaps closer than we do anywhere else to the One who, whether we realize it or not, is of all our secrets the most telling and the most precious we have to tell."
Isn't it ironic that the things we think will ruin us end up saving us? Like telling the truth, sharing a secret, bearing our souls? Like hearing the truth, learning a secret, witnessing another soul?
Buecher also said,
"Salvation is an experience first, and a doctrine second."
And I can't help but wonder if salvation isn't in prayer and holy conduct, but is instead inside every moment of truth-telling, soul sharing… those moments that rescue us from shame and connect us more deeply to ourselves, each other, and the oneness between us all?
Because even though the details may be different - the names and places, the tones and colours - our secrets are sisters, brothers, siblings… they understand each other because they share the same DNA, they come from the same place, and when shared in healthy and safe places, lead us to similar destinations.
Isn't it ironic, that the things we are so very sure will divide us will in truth be the things that bring us back together when shared in grace, courage, and vulnerability?
Your secrets are huge; I get that. I'm not asking you to blast them on social media or drop them like bombs on those they involve. I'm simply encouraging you that you're not alone in your secrets; that having this secret probably isn't the thing that's going to ruin you; it's in keeping things hidden that we come undone.
If nothing can separate you from love - not even your secrets - then there are, my dear friend, safe places for you to share yourself. Your challenge is to find them and then show up in them.
REMEMBER: "It is important to tell the secret of who we truly and fully are—even if only to ourselves—otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are, and accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing." Frederick Buechner.
From this week’s series "No Man Is An Island", with a subscription, in the App.
Written by Liz Milani
Instagram: @thepracticeco
