You can stop being nice now
Kindness starts in you. If you want to learn how to be kind, start by being kind to yourself.
I've stitched together a few of Pema Chodron's quotes; she said:
"Without loving-kindness for ourselves, it is difficult, if not impossible, to genuinely feel it for others. What you do for yourself, any gesture of kindness, any gesture of gentleness, any gesture of honesty and clear seeing toward yourself, will affect how you experience your world. In fact, it will transform how you experience the world. What you do for yourself, you're doing for others, and what you do for others, you're doing for yourself.
Be kinder to yourself. And then let your kindness flood the world."
Niceness will not do.
Niceness will not compel you to uphold the boundaries you have with yourself and with others. Nice will placate and please, perform and pander. It will not tell you the truth; it will not remind you of what is true, it will not sit in the dirt with you, and will not allow you to rise in your raw and innate power; it is too proper for the wild and holy nature of your being.
But kindness?
Mark Nepo said:
"When we heal ourselves, we heal the world. For as the body is only as healthy as its individual cells, the world is only as healthy as its individual souls."
It starts in you... and the grace of it is that it doesn't end with you. Kindness by its very nature cannot stay put. It does not stagnate. It cannot be hoarded, imprisoned, stationary. You cannot be kind to yourself and keep it to yourself. Kindness is the energetic expression of grace and compassion.
Paul wrote to his friends and said:
"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."
This forgiveness is not so much a dramatic moment of transaction where you were once lost, and then in an instant became found, or something like that. It's a flow, a disposition, a perspective, an outlook. It's a mode of transport and operation. Richard Rohr explains:
"Un-forgiveness lives in a repetitive past, which it cannot let go of. But forgiveness is a largeness of soul, without which there is no future or creative action; only the repetition of old storylines, remembered hurts, and ever-increasing claims of victimhood for all concerned. The Crucified and Risen Christ uses the mistakes of the past to create a positive future, a future of redemption instead of retribution. The Christ does not eliminate or punish the mistakes. He uses them for transformative purposes. People formed by such love are indestructible. Forgiveness might just be the very best description of what God's goodness engenders in humanity."
Forgive yourself for striving to reach impossible standards, for holding onto painful regrets, for seeking retribution that you know can never repay what was taken from you. Forgive yourself for not measuring up to the ridiculous and inhumane standards you (and others) have set for yourself in the name of religion, family, country, success, winning, whatever it is.
Kindness would have you forgive yourself, which is an act of humility and responsibility. It's how you take your power from your Ego and place it back into the hands of your True Self. Kindness is of one piece, after all, and as you learn to hold yourself to a standard of compassion, it will overflow into the world around you, and bit by bit, you'll see it make the changes you've longed for.
Try This: Be gentle with yourself. Whenever a word of condemnation, fear, frustration or meanness rises in you about yourself or your situation, stop. Breathe. Rewrite it. After all, irritation, fear and hate have never proved to be worthy allies of change and transformation. Only love and compassion can do that.
From my upcoming New Year’s series, "No More Nice" this week with a subscription in the App.
Written by Liz Milani
Instagram: @thepracticeco
