What does forgiveness really look like?
Forgiveness - it's complicated.
What does forgiveness really mean, and what does it really look like?
There are the idea and concepts of forgiveness, what it is and what it means and how it works. But does that ever feel out of reach for you?
We talk about forgiveness like it's an act, something that happens, that we give and receive like a gift. But my experience of it in real life hasn't been quite that clean, and I'm guessing yours hasn't been, either.
This can be interesting if you come from a faith tradition that seems to hinge on the idea of forgiveness - that we need it, and we get it from God. That idea in and of itself can put us on the defensive from the get-go, makeing the whole circulation of forgiveness seem shameful and like it only exists because we're wretched human beings who can't get it right.
Thank God for forgiveness… I used to hear that line all the time from the pulpit - thank God for forgiveness, or we'd all be in trouble, meaning hell, fire, and brimstone forever.
But what else could it mean? How else could it work? And what does it look like in normal everyday life for you and me?
Desmond Tutu said:
"Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning."
Oprah said:
"True forgiveness is when you can say, 'Thank you for that experience."
Marianne Williamson said:
"The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world."
Martin Luther King Jnr said:
"Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act. It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship. Forgiveness is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning."
(There's the idea of a new beginning again… it features a lot in forgiveness quotes).
Jesus had a few things to say about forgiveness, that we should do it 70 times 7, that if we don't forgive others we can't be forgiven, that we should forgive our enemies and pray for them…
That's a lot of pressure, Jesus.
When it comes to ideas about forgiveness? All the quotes are lovely and ring true, but when you're in the grip and grime of life… forgive my enemies? I can't be forgiven unless I forgive? Thank you for that experience? Healing the WORLD? How many new beginnings are we talking about here, and will it actually happen this time?
Forgiveness is tricky. You can't distil what it looks like, how it works, and what happens when you do it. Perhaps this is because forgiveness is not tangible or transactional (we'll get to those seemingly transactional words of Jesus in this series); it's not something that 'happens' in a moment or even as an outcome of a decision.
Forgiveness is a flow; it's intangible, mysterious, and feels just that bit beyond. But I sense that it feels beyond because we've made it bigger and harder and more clinical and transactional than it is.
Forgiveness could look like many different things for the many different ones of us. It has many shades and colours, frequencies and feelings, sounds and tastes. It's like trying to describe what peace is… you just can't quite define it outside of dualistic notions of it being this and the absence of that.
In this series, we'll bring forgiveness back down to earth, make it human, make it real, and make it more of something we can experience in our normal everyday lives.
You don't have to be Ghandi, Oprah, or Jesus to be able to figure out what forgiveness looks like to you in the giving and receiving of it.
Forgiveness and peace are linked; they're dance partners… but how we each get there and join in the dance is unique. We make our own way, and we make the way by giving it a go.
CONSIDER THIS: "For me, forgiveness and compassion are always linked: how do we hold people accountable for wrongdoing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed?" bell hooks.
From this week’s series, "What Forgiveness Could Look Like", with a subscription, in the App.
Written by Liz Milani
Instagram: @thepracticeco
