Live in curiosity. You can embrace the not-knowing

There was a time when my beliefs about God were as rigid as a steel door — impenetrable and unbending.

Nothing outside of my religious heritage influenced my faith.

If I encountered something in opposition to what I had been taught, I simply rejected it as being "not of God." Any questions that arose in my own mind could be swept away with "our ways are not God's ways." 

Looking back, I now see that my indoctrination had almost succeeded in making me the "good Christian." This, according to my church's teachings, was one whose faith was so steadfast and loyal that no amount of outside influence could penetrate it.

For many years, this was indeed the case. I cringe at how often I used micro-aggressions against those who believed differently or were unchurched.

This type of indoctrination — that convinces the believer that fear and judgment are effective tools for evangelism — reveals how deeply entrenched I was and how challenging it is to prick the conscience of the "good Christian."

This began to crumble when my beliefs intersected with my human experience. I was becoming increasingly aware of how church leaders used scripture and their position of authority to manipulate people's lives and emotions.

Although I internalized my mounting frustration and hid my discontent from the public eye, I began to predict with amazing accuracy how church leaders would respond to certain situations. They deflected blame to those who questioned anything (known as gaslighting) to avoid having to explain the inconsistencies in their dogmatic teachings.

However, when the abused begin to recognize and predict the behaviour of their abuser, the dynamic of that relationship changes. 

That was the catalyst for my deconstruction.

The steel door that guarded my beliefs had cracks where the light could peek through. Cracks that led me to question everything that I had been taught.

At first, this felt wrong, as I had been trained to believe that seeking answers outside of the church was a sin. But I trusted that the God that was integral to my church experience was leading me to walk through that steel door towards a deeper understanding of divinity.  

What I didn't expect was how hard it would be when I was faced with different interpretations of the Bible's teachings. To describe it as "losing my spiritual Santa Claus" may sound trite, but it is the best way for me to capture how I felt.

I distinctly recall my emotional experience when I found out Santa wasn't real. Once you know, there's no "unknowing" — there is simply acceptance.

My feelings surrounding my crumbling beliefs, albeit much stronger, weren't that much different. They vacillated between sorrow, anger and, at times, relief. 

Still, I trusted that what I was discovering in the spiritual wilderness was as Holy as my churched experience.

No longer was I afraid to ask the hard questions, and I dove into new ways to seek the answers.

The entirety of the deconstruction experience is about living in the mystery, even when the answers don't come. 

Each week, we invite followers to "Ask Rev Karla" on Instagram. My favorites are the "hard questions":

"Who am I praying to…"
"What if the Bible isn't true…" 
"What happens to my soul when I die?" and even
"Do dogs go to heaven?" 

I love these questions not because I know the answers.

I do not.

I love them because it gives me the opportunity to answer, "I don't know", and to do so in a way that invites contemplation, mystery and the Holy into the unknowing.

Unwavering dogma suppresses the natural wonder that expands and enriches our human experience as well as our soul's journey.

This embracing the not-knowing…
This is sacred, Holy, Divine.
This is God.

AFFIRMATION: All of creation is sacred. All things are Holy. And because I am created, I am Holy.

Written by Rev Karla Kamstra

You can find more about Rev Karla’s journey of leaving church, healing from religious trauma and discovering the spiritual but not religious path on her blog here.

From this week’s guest series "The How To Be Spiritually Authentic" this week, with a subscription, in the App.