Letting go is not unfaithful

You do not have to remain faithful to friendships and relationships that have run their course.

Something doesn't have to be life-long to be life-giving.

Some friendships and relationships, no matter what form or style they are, are only meant to be for a season.

Sometimes, due to the pain and trauma of its participants, relationships become toxic and unsafe.

Sometimes, people grow in different directions and their need for each other changes.

Sometimes, people are more concerned about fitting in than being their true selves, so where they are is untrue and unsafe. You do not have to remain in friendships and relationships that should be over.

It does not make you an unfaithful person if you move on, end it or let it go.

Some people are more faithful to the idea of something, than the actual practice of being human in the world with other humans in a way that brings about healing and wholeness and connection.

Relationships are going to be complex and messy and glorious, and sometimes short and sometimes long. Sometimes they'll end up being horrible, and sometimes they'll end up being pure joy. But always, relationship is hard work. You may as well do the work where you belong.

If you've experienced abuse and conflict in a relationship on any scale, in which you were the one being victimised, I bet you've been told by (well-meaning) religious people that you need to forgive and have grace and include, rather than make a quote-un-quote fuss.

But forgiveness is not the same thing as trust. You can forgive and set boundaries at the same time. You can forgive and protect yourself at the same time. You can forgive without ever telling the offending party that you have done so. Because forgiveness is for you, especially if the one who hurt you is not sorry for it.

Some people are more faithful to the idea of marriage than they are to a person's right to live free from violence and abuse.

Some people are more faithful to the idea that the ideal friendship is life long, so they stay in relationships that don't honour or value who they are, what they need, and the journey they're on.

Relationship isn't something anyone is entitled to because of shared DNA, or the number of years and months and days between them, or because of certain experiences and accolades or pains and traumas.

Turning your back on who you are and what you need will not get you the sense of connection and belonging you are looking for.

Brené Brown said:

"Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are."

The goal of relationship is belonging; to be seen and known and heard, and to see and know and hear. You do not have to belong to everyone in a practical sense, and not everyone has to belong to you. Belonging can be life long, or it can be seasonal. Because the truth is, when you belong to yourself first, you will always find yourself within healthy connection, even if sometimes you feel alone.

Be unfaithful to the idea of fitting in, to any relationship that requires you to be unfaithful to yourself for it to survive.

Commit your life, your heart and body and mind, to belonging. First to yourself, and then to those who will eventually belong alongside you, too.

Mindful Prompt: When you belong to yourself, you don't need the approval or permission from others to be who you are. Which frees you to belong with others who love who you are, and want to belong with you, too.

Continued in the series "Be Here Now", this week with a subscription in the App.

Written by Liz Milani.
Instagram: @thepracticeco