It’s tempting to be all or nothing?
We're taught as therapists to help our clients identify when they are in "all or nothing" thinking because it often contributes to anxiety, stress, and depression.
"All or nothing" thinking is considered a cognitive distortion that creates more negative feelings for us and is at the root of self-criticism, perfectionism, and even things like having trouble problem-solving.
Sounds awful, right? But why is it so tempting for us to see a situation, a day, a person, or even just a moment as "all or nothing", as completely good or bad?
I believe one of the reasons is because it is neater. The tidiness of the boxes we put experiences and people in can help us feel like we have control in a world where the opposite is so often true.
It can feel like rather than floating in the current, we cling to the shore of our certainty. But what if there is a different way, a way that allows all of your experience to be true at the same time, rather than picking one way or the other?
We prefer to sit on the shore, but there's wisdom that staying in the middle of the river can offer us. It is when we sit there, floating on the current between two sides of the shore, that we can really see ourselves and really see each other. We are drawn to the edges out of the current, clutching the side of the shore, because we often feel like we can see what is more clearly, and then decide what to do next from that information.
The problem is that we miss so much. My tendency to stay on the shore, where I can see and categorize my emotions more clearly, is much less scary to me than allowing myself to float in the current of the river of my experience.
My tendency to stay on the shore and label someone who confuses me as completely good or bad feels more secure than allowing their complexity to mirror my own.
I often want to camp out on the shore, away from the middle, and create a comfortable place to sit, as I observe my interior and exterior world from the safety of the land. The thing is, I have found that as I sit in my categorized view, I miss everything. There's only one vantage point from a fixed spot on the shore. And while you can watch the current go by and what it might carry by you, it is completely different to immerse yourself in it and experience the current.
Your chair on the shore offers the security of removal from the unknown middle of the complexity of feelings and even other people, but there is no movement or life there. And although we might miss the confusing middle and feeling of being carried by things outside of our control when we are on the shore, we also miss all the good things, too. Allowing ourselves to be in the middle of the river allows us to be carried into unexpected joy and connection. We can find ourselves in places and emotions we couldn't have experienced from a fixed spot out of the water.
And so I have been asking myself: shore or current? Which will I choose? In each small moment—a stubbed toe, a stressful email, a laugh from my child—I can choose shore or current? Will I allow myself to be in this moment in its good and bad parts, to be curious, and allow the middle to teach me something? Or will I remove myself emotionally and only observe?
TRY THIS: Don't be an observer of your life, watching as though from the shore as life passes you by. Jump in, enter the current, immerse yourself in the experience, and let the good and bad carry you to places of wisdom and joy.
Written by Monica DiCristina
Instagram: @monicadicristina
From this week’s guest series "The Freedom of Living in the In-Between" this week, with a subscription, in the App.
