Are you a victim of toxic forgiveness?
When I was 13, I first heard the idea that forgiveness was not a feeling, it was a decision. That was a radical concept to me, as I had assumed forgiveness was an involuntary product of time and emotion. “Am I still upset at Mrs. Bovett for shaming me in front of my whole class? Yes, I am. Guess I haven’t forgiven her yet. I’ll wait some more and see when it changes.”
I adopted this new framework (because the pastor said so) and then diligently spent the next 15 years “deciding” to forgive people and not bother about my feelings. This was very difficult to do, and so I figured it should be earning me some sweet spiritual points or something. It took the wheels coming off my life in my mid-30s for me to learn I had actually been repressing pain, spiritually bypassing my emotions and ignoring reality, all in the name of forgiveness. Thanks to a good therapist, the written wisdom of those who have suffered much, and the powerful witness of black South Africans and African Americans, I eventually came to see forgiveness in a new light once more. That light leaves nothing hidden and transforms our dark places of shame into the brightness of human dignity.
Like so many things that are meant to be good for us, forgiveness has been weaponized by those in power and used to control and subjugate people. Countless women have been counselled by religious leaders to forgive abusive partners and stay in broken marriages, leading to untold suffering and literal death. For 100s of years, enslaved people in America were told to forgive their white masters “because it’s what God wanted for them.” When courageous Black South Africans did the deep work of walking in forgiveness towards their oppressors, many white South Africans assumed it was a gift being given to them. Indigenous peoples the world over have been told to forgive the colonizers who robbed them of their lands and futures by the very descendants and beneficiaries of colonialism still occupying those lands today.
All of this is a mockery of forgiveness, and the pain and evil of this mockery runs deep. It’ll take a few days for us to untangle this web and find the tasty goodness of dignity and worth at the centre, so today, I invite you to start this journey with compassion and gentleness for yourself.
Close your eyes, or turn out the lights, or do whatever you need to tune in to your inner world in peaceful silence.
Breathe in slowly. Hold it a moment, then exhale.
When you’re ready, speak this over yourself:
“Through the actions or inactions of others, I have been hurt. My pain is real and valid. I will honour every part of myself, especially those parts that are in pain. I will do my best not to minimize or bypass any painful parts of me. I can show compassion to myself, even and especially when others have not. I will not be forced into forgiveness by anyone. I will move no further than I feel safe in doing.”
Well done. We’ll dig a little deeper tomorrow.
REMEMBER: Much of what has been taught is forgiveness is actually gaslighting and bypassing pain and hard conversations. Your pain is valid, and forgiveness does and should not nullify how you feel and what you’re going through.
Written by Jonathan Puddle
Instagram: @jonathanpuddle
Website: https://jonathanpuddle.com/
From this week’s guest series, "Dignity and Forgiveness", with a subscription, in the App.
